july 7: jane, born and raised new yorker

i hesitate to even post about jane and this personal conversation that we had, but i have nothing else, and all privacy/personal issues aside, i couldn't have asked for more sincere and honest wisdom.  this is exactly what i'm looking to get out of this project --- real, palpable, influential words and lessons that i can take to better my own life.

besides - the only other lady that i tried talking to was on older woman who looked at me like i was a crazy person and coldly said, "i don't want to have anything to do with your dog." trying not to laugh, i apologized for bothering her and turned at the next corner.  (i guess she thought i said dog instead of blog...  haha)

so jane.  you know when you don't even want to try to describe something because it rests as an untouchable moment where the stars seemed to align, and you know that you could never give a just rendition of the scenario if you tried?  well that is how i feel about the exchange that i had with this woman.  it was beautiful, and exactly the words of wisdom that i needed to hear.  the blog and this project were never even brought up, because it just wouldn't have seemed proper to go from being nearly in tears, to saying, "so can i take a picture of you and write about this on my blog?" 

so i have no photo to share, but full confidence that she would "approve of this message," so here it goes..

and one more thing- i am sorry if this post runs a bit long..  its just that i want to explain it out the best that i can, because maybe, there might be someone else out there, someday, who might need to hear her words as much as i needed to hear them.

we were both sitting in central park trying to read, but the weather wasn't exactly permitting.  the brightness of the sun on the pages of our books meant that we kept taking necessary breaks for our poor little squinting eyes.  sweating, we looked at each other and commented on how miserably hot it was, which is how our conversation began.

she is a woman who is somewhere in her 50's i am guessing, who loves the arts, loves to read, and has a passionate love affair going on with new york city.  she is the first new yorker that i have met who is as giddy about living here as i am.  i have often wondered if i were to live here long-term, if my love for nyc would diminish throughout the years.  she gave me the hope that it very well might not.

she said that what keeps the relationship between her and nyc so fresh and fun (yes, she kept a good dose of humor stringed throughout our conversation) is spending time apart once in a while, which is where her love for traveling comes in.   she has been everywhere, but still has places that she is dying to visit.

this talk about her "relationship" led her to ask about my relationships (all pretenses aside).  so i started talking.  and my hurting heart shone through my teary eyes, which is when something magical happened.  {this thing called human connection?  well, i'll be the first to testify, it's quite something.}  somehow, this woman who, half an hour earlier, was a complete stranger to me, was able to understand me so deeply.   there is something about vulnerability that, i am coming to find, has everything to do with this human connection thing.  

she said, more quietly than before, "oh darling, i have SO been there," with a sincerity in her eyes that spoke louder than her words.  she continued, "but listen to me.  now i do not know the end to your story, of course, but i do know one thing. 

sometimes, there comes a point where you have to let go of the grasp that you have on something that is no longer good for you.  and maybe it will be good for you again later, maybe not.  but for your own sanity and happiness right now, there is a certain power that comes in letting go."

i was surprised.  this was not the response that i was expecting from her, but her words resonated within me as she went on,

"think of tightly holding on to a rope in a round of tug-of-war.  you are pulling with all your might, but its one of those times where no one is making any progress in the match, and it is just tearing everyone's hands up.  think of the relief that your hands will feel once the match is over and you let go of that rope.  they are still going to hurt for a short time, but invariably, eventually, they will start to heal.  the blisters will heal, the redness and irritation will go away, and they will be put to better use on something else."

tears welled up in my eyes again as i honestly replied, "but i don't know if my heart can..  and i don't know if i want someone else."


she said, "honey, something else doesn't have to be someone else.  there are more things to do in this city than there are anywhere in the world.  take advantage of it.  try something new.  do something that you have always wanted to try!  occupy yourself while you work on the art of letting go, and the pain that your heart feels will subside.  

and then later, when you both are thinking clearly, you can work it out once and for all, if you haven't already come to your answer."

she then smiled and added lightly,  "its going to be alright, you know.  it really is."

i nodded, "i know," fully believing her but wishing that i could feel it right at that moment.

and after a while longer, after she gracefully changed the subject to give my aching heart a break, we parted with a hug and a "good luck with everything" blessing.

i walked away feeling like i had just met an angel. 

i took slow deep breaths on my way home, focusing on letting go, feeling ever-so-slightly better with each exhale.